This little holler, what a funny little place… By Ess Jay DeJosef

Below are some writings I’ve taken from emails my Jewish friend has sent me- he’s been transferred by his employer to another part of the universe. If you live north of the Mason-Dixon Line I believe you will find these musings humorous. If you are from the south, you may recognize the truth in his stories. If you find yourself in a story, just laugh- life is too short. All names and places have been changed to protect the humorous. I present for your enjoyment:

This little holler, what a funny little place…

By Ess Jay DeJosef

Today I met Wilm Vayda - she applied a while back to be the new full-time gal and didn't get it.  She'd worked here before - cray-zee.  She was in town so she stopped by - she keeps a house here and down south, ya know.  Can you get FURTHER south than this?!  Actually yes, but don't tell the locals!  This is her homeplace, these hills.  "She didn't want no job, just wanted to meet me."  So, why meet a stranger at his business if you have no business?  If I could describe her... She is a near-doll-size, wrinkle of a woman with leather skin and neon pink lips; if Barbie and Skipper had a grandma doll that ate up a tanning bed...

I'll tell you what else.  One of the employees came late today, so we had walked out of the office to recap...  She was only a few steps ahead and she called to me, I looked over and she yells 'they need yer help!' and pointed to a couple that I had smiled at moments before.  They were probably my mom's age or a little older - Hispanics age better.  They had two children with them; they said hi earlier but that was it.  Turns out they spoke only Spanish give or take a few pleasantries.  They were from Colombia; their daughter married a man from the Kentucky - so there they were, trying to buy him some Levis in American sizes in hill country and only speaking Spanish.  It felt good to help someone.  And it felt really good to speak another language - other than hillbilly.  (I gave up speaking American English weeks ago, it just makes them laugh at me.)  Apparently it was quite a spectacle - as the ladies in the store talked about it long after the Columbians had left.  I may be the only bilingual in town...  A customer came up to the register about 15 - 20 minutes later and he asked me about it, wanted to know what I was speaking - he thought it was cool, and nice that I helped them.  His girlfriend said she'd always wanted to learn another language, but had no courage to try.  I encouraged her to try Spanish, same alphabet as ours, basically, so it's a good place to start.  This little holler, what a funny place.  I need to practice Spanish - I’m sure my new friends will be back to speak to the only guy who understands them for miles around.  And since I can't get a translator for hillbilly I'll just have to make do.  What a day.

Kentucky is another universe.  When I spoke of learning a new language the other day one of my employees overheard me and she's been thinking on it for a few days.  Yesterday she says to me that it must be funny to me, because it is another language - and she fears that she's one of the people that need subtitles!  She occasionally travels with her husband for his work and she said she deliberately talks slower and enunciates (slows down and sez all the leh-tturs - in her words) because she knows her hillbilly accent is sharp.  But now that I’ve pointed it out she sees it more, and she thinks she's one of the people who needs subtitles.  She is correct.

For instance...  She said, "I hev to ride with my dawg in the carr to Prestonsburg" but what I heard was, "I am no longer going to eat crescent burgers" - and when I stated this to her and another gal, they howled and laughed at the truth of it.  They could totally hear it too when I said it for them.

Another instance just yesterday...  She said, "oh yes, she still has her house over at pigeon roost" but what I heard was, "oh she steel lacks to be all pitchin' roots" - and when I stopped laughing I repeated this to them as well, and they snorted with laughter.

Good times.

And chiggers, apparently there are chiggers - a bug that embeds itself under your skin and bites you.  Not a tick, nor a bedbug.  Completely different according to them - I'm gonna have to check this out later on the web because they swear I can find it.  Chiggers.  The one girl said "oh yeah, if you roll down the hill in the grass you’re guaranteed to get a chigger" - 'cause i look like the type to do a lot of rollin' down a grassy hill...

I’ve met some funny folk on this little jaunt south of my borders.

Amosite Chaslaine, she’s the chief of the help desk - if we had one - they all tell her everything and hang on her every sympathy.  Her desk is in the middle of everything.  She insists she’s not in charge of anything, but they all ask her everything and secretly do what she says.  Completely entertaining because she doesn’t care!  She leaves this joint and thinks nothing more of the work until her next time in.  

She’s a teeny twig of a gal that smiles and looks up and away to the right when she’s guilty.  But she’s sincere, the very thought of missing any moment in life brings tears to her eyes.  She’s the type of chick that makes nuns think there are some good parents left.  Well, it would if we had nuns here.  This is Baptist country - so ‘round here nuns are movie stars and halloween costumes, not actual people.  Do they still have them in Europe?  ;)

Amosite’s husband, Chick Barlowe, he laughs about our little shanty office operation.  His family’s tobacco fortune makes most any enterprise humorous to Chick and the other heirs to the Barlowe-Bigeleautte dynasty.  The ones like Chick who have decided to work have done so with a fair amount of vigor and success - but there are a few that keep the county sheriff and the local attorney busy.  Chick’s cousin Dax Bigeleautte has had more felonies than any ghetto-fab superstar, but a little plantation getaway and some moldy money can make most anything go away - just don’t murder anyone too important.

Keep your friends close, enemies closer and extra tobacco money in the freezer!

Hope you enjoyed! Ess Jay is a funny guy... I'm sure he'll email more :) Thanks for sharing!

XO, Goldie