Below are some writings I’ve taken from emails my Jewish friend
has sent me- he’s been transferred by his employer to another part of the
universe. If you live north of the Mason-Dixon Line I believe you will find
these musings humorous. If you are from the south, you may recognize the truth
in his stories. If you find yourself in a story, just laugh- life is too short.
All names and places have been changed to protect the humorous. I present for
your enjoyment:
This little holler, what a funny little place…
By Ess Jay DeJosef
Today I met Wilm Vayda - she applied a while back to be the new
full-time gal and didn't get it. She'd worked here before - cray-zee.
She was in town so she stopped by - she keeps a house here and down
south, ya know. Can you get FURTHER south than this?! Actually yes,
but don't tell the locals! This is her homeplace, these hills.
"She didn't want no job, just wanted to meet me." So, why
meet a stranger at his business if you have no business? If I could
describe her... She is a near-doll-size, wrinkle of a woman with leather skin
and neon pink lips; if Barbie and Skipper had a grandma doll that ate up a
tanning bed...
I'll tell you what else. One of the employees came late
today, so we had walked out of the office to recap... She was only a few
steps ahead and she called to me, I looked over and she yells 'they need yer
help!' and pointed to a couple that I had smiled at moments before. They
were probably my mom's age or a little older - Hispanics age better. They
had two children with them; they said hi earlier but that was it. Turns
out they spoke only Spanish give or take a few pleasantries. They were
from Colombia; their daughter married a man from the Kentucky - so there they
were, trying to buy him some Levis in American sizes in hill country and only
speaking Spanish. It felt good to help someone. And it felt really
good to speak another language - other than hillbilly. (I gave up
speaking American English weeks ago, it just makes them laugh at me.)
Apparently it was quite a spectacle - as the ladies in the store talked
about it long after the Columbians had left. I may be the only bilingual
in town... A customer came up to the register about 15 - 20 minutes later
and he asked me about it, wanted to know what I was speaking - he thought it
was cool, and nice that I helped them. His girlfriend said she'd always
wanted to learn another language, but had no courage to try. I encouraged
her to try Spanish, same alphabet as ours, basically, so it's a good place to
start. This little holler, what a funny place. I need to practice
Spanish - I’m sure my new friends will be back to speak to the only guy who
understands them for miles around. And since I can't get a translator for
hillbilly I'll just have to make do. What a day.
Kentucky is another universe. When I spoke of learning a new
language the other day one of my employees overheard me and she's been thinking
on it for a few days. Yesterday she says to me that it must be funny to
me, because it is another language - and she fears that she's one of the people
that need subtitles! She occasionally travels with her husband for his
work and she said she deliberately talks slower and enunciates (slows down and
sez all the leh-tturs - in her words) because she knows her hillbilly accent is
sharp. But now that I’ve pointed it out she sees it more, and she thinks
she's one of the people who needs subtitles. She is correct.
For instance... She said, "I hev to ride with my dawg
in the carr to Prestonsburg" but what I heard was, "I am no longer
going to eat crescent burgers" - and when I stated this to her and another
gal, they howled and laughed at the truth of it. They could totally hear
it too when I said it for them.
Another instance just yesterday... She said, "oh yes,
she still has her house over at pigeon roost" but what I heard was,
"oh she steel lacks to be all pitchin' roots" - and when I stopped
laughing I repeated this to them as well, and they snorted with laughter.
Good times.
And chiggers, apparently there are chiggers - a bug that embeds
itself under your skin and bites you. Not a tick, nor a bedbug.
Completely different according to them - I'm gonna have to check this out
later on the web because they swear I can find it. Chiggers. The
one girl said "oh yeah, if you roll down the hill in the grass you’re
guaranteed to get a chigger" - 'cause i look like the type to do a lot of
rollin' down a grassy hill...
I’ve met some funny folk on this
little jaunt south of my borders.
Amosite Chaslaine, she’s the chief
of the help desk - if we had one - they all tell her everything and hang on her
every sympathy. Her desk is in the middle of everything. She
insists she’s not in charge of anything, but they all ask her everything and
secretly do what she says. Completely entertaining because she doesn’t
care! She leaves this joint and thinks nothing more of the work until her
next time in.
She’s a teeny twig of a gal that
smiles and looks up and away to the right when she’s guilty. But she’s
sincere, the very thought of missing any moment in life brings tears to her
eyes. She’s the type of chick that makes nuns think there are some good
parents left. Well, it would if we had nuns here. This is Baptist
country - so ‘round here nuns are movie stars and halloween costumes, not
actual people. Do they still have them in Europe? ;)
Amosite’s husband, Chick Barlowe,
he laughs about our little shanty office operation. His family’s tobacco
fortune makes most any enterprise humorous to Chick and the other heirs to the
Barlowe-Bigeleautte dynasty. The ones like Chick who have decided to work
have done so with a fair amount of vigor and success - but there are a few that
keep the county sheriff and the local attorney busy. Chick’s cousin Dax
Bigeleautte has had more felonies than any ghetto-fab superstar, but a little
plantation getaway and some moldy money can make most anything go away - just
don’t murder anyone too important.
Keep your friends close, enemies
closer and extra tobacco money in the freezer!
Hope you enjoyed! Ess Jay is a funny guy... I'm sure he'll email more :) Thanks for sharing!
XO, Goldie
